To lose all you Love
by we.can.fly.away.to.Gallifrey
Summary: Hope Lions' Secret Santa for Aaronna. What if Merlin had been tortured with a nathair, by Morgana. What if Arthur had to watch? What would be revealed?


Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, its characters, places, quotes, or story. This is just a figment of imagination.

A/N: This is a Secret Santa for Aaronna, who writes great stories, by the way. I hope you all like it. Special thanks to Aaronna for the great ideas behind this, and to Hope Lions for organising the whole thing.

To lose all you Love

"Do you know what this is? Well, looks like you do, Gaius has educated you well, has't he? Shame that we can't say the same for my dear brother. Let me explain for the sake of Arthur, won't you Merlin?"

Merlin was watching Morgana with a look of absolute horror. Arthur had never seen Merlin look so terrified, the man who walked straight into battle alongside him, without a single piece of armour, never mind weapons. Who wore into battle the same clothes that he wore all year round!

Arthur never really meant every time he called Merlin an idiot. He actually thought that Merlin was the bravest man he ever knew.

Looking at Merlin, who was now staring at the small snake with more terror than ever before, jolted Arthur's heart.

"It's a Nathair, of the mountains of Asgard. Harmless enough most of the time, but with a little persuasion, it can cause a man pain beyond all imagining."

Arthur would have smirked at Morgana's efforts to frighten him if not for Merlin.

"No! I won't let you! You stay away from Arthur, Morgana! I won't let you harm him!"

Merlin cried out suddenly, apparently having snapped out of his trance, struggling violently against the shackles which tied his wrists together and to a chain which was fixed hard into a wall. He was trying to reach Arthur, whose wrists were attached to the ceiling, making him unable to move away from Morgana, but his bonds prevented him from doing so.

"Merlin-"

"No, Arthur! I won't let her! Please Morgana! Don't hurt him!"

"Look at that brother, look at how loyal your servant is. Perhaps he will lose his loyalty when he breaks? Oh - you didn't think that I was going to use it on you, did you now? No, I think Merlin is better suited to sample the delights of my little friend here."

She said with false sincerity, rounding Merlin to the corner of the sturdy walls.

Merlin hefted a sigh of relief - she wasn't going to use it on Arthur - but he stiffened his stance, preparing for what was to come.

"No…" Arthur breathed. "You have no quarrel with him, Morgana, leave him alone!"

"No quarrel with Merlin! Ha! You've been keeping Arthur in the dark, haven't you?" she directed towards Merlin.

"But not for long! Soon enough you will tell me all your secrets - every mortal will succumb to it sooner or later. So you have a choice Merlin. Tell me now, or suffer."

"What precious information can I tell you? It's not like you don't know Camelot like the back of your hand." Merlin scoffed, trying to brave his fear.

"Don't play with me Merlin. I know that Gaius would have told you." Morgana's voice turned much more dangerous. "Who is Emrys?"

Merlin gave a start at her words, and then bit his lip, and closed his eyes, internal scolding himself. "I d-don't know what you mean." He stuttered out.

"Nice try. Who is Emrys?"

The tension couldn't have even been cut with a knife.

"Don't watch, Arthur. Please." Merlin's words were soft and calm and pleading.

"I was rather hoping you would choose this." Morgana advanced on Merlin.

Arthur's head caught up with what was happening.

"No! Merlin!" he shouted, fruitlessly trying to free himself.

Merlin looked at him with reassuring eyes.

"There's nothing you can do Arthur. Please."

Arthur's shouts continued in the background as Morgana started enchanting the snake.

The first bloodcurdling scream from Merlin was like an arrow in Arthur's heart.

His eyes were locked on Merlin's figure, which had collapsed to the floor, and had curled up in a defensive position. All this time, the screams never stopped. One after the other, again and again and again and again.

And all that time Arthur stood watching, helpless, breaking up from the inside. Merlin. His truest friend, in pain beyond all imagining, because of him. Because of his fault. It was his fault! Tears threatened to burst from his eyes, but could not look away. He had to stay strong, for Merlin. For Merlin.

When the screams stopped, the silence was never more welcomed to Arthur's ears. Merlin was curled up in a tighter ball than before, if possible, and this whole frame was shaking. He could hear soft, weak sobs erupting from him. No words could describe how awful Arthur was feeling, and he could hardly fathom the pain Merlin had been through.

"Who is Emrys? Tell me Merlin."

Wait, what! Arthur had been too preoccupied to pay attention last time. Who is Emrys? Well, judging by the tone of Morgana's voice, and since Merlin knew, Emrys was most likely her enemy. But why did Merlin never tell him?

There was no reply. Merlin had gone very still, and there was no voice coming from him.

"Merlin…?" Arthur whispered in trepidation.

Relief washed over him as Merlin slowly turned around. As he met with Arthur's eyes, he offered a a shaky smile, which filled Arthur with hope, but broke his heart at the same time.

"Who is Emrys?

Tell me!" Morgana commanded.

"No." his voice was so quiet, but it had all the strength he could muster.

"What!" disbelief shone in her eyes. A moment passed with Morgana staring at him, and him staring at Arthur.

Determination filled Morgana in the place of confusion.

"It has the power to torture to the limit of human endurance." Arthur felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured on him.

She spoke a different spell this time. Arthur didn't know what it meant, but only that it was ten times worse. Screams sliced the air, more potent than before, mingled with whimpers and tears. He had no time to breath but Morgana didn't relent.

"Who is Emrys!" she shouted at Merlin again and again, only to received a just decipherable shake of the head.

Arthur didn't know when he stopped shouting. Now he just stared at Merlin, letting the tears fall.

Morgana had succeeded. Merlin was a shell of himself. Arthur didn't doubt that he would tell Morgana everything, but that didn't worry him. Morgana cut off his bounds, and he ran straight to Merlin. He knew it was useless to try and fight Morgana. He dropped onto his knees next to Merlin.

"Merlin?" he whispered tenderly, gently placing his hands on his friend's shoulder. At the little wince, he was quick to reassure. "It's okay Merlin, it's only me, Arthur."

As Merlin turned to take a guarded glance, he saw Arthur's worried face and gave him a ghost of a smile. Arthur stared at Merlin's face, the pools that had collected in his eyes falling. Why? Why Merlin? Merlin who was the most brave and loyal, and compassionate and cheerful. Who was innocent and pure. Who could bring light to anyone's day with his over-enthusiasm and cheekiness and radiant smile. Stay strong for Merlin. Stay strong for Merlin.

"I'm sorry," Arthur bowed his head, "I'm so sorry Merlin."

Merlin shook his head at Arthur, trying again to give him a smile.

This time Morgana had pure confidence and sureness her voice. "Who. Is. Emrys."

What happened next couldn't have surprised Morgana and Arthur more.

Merlin shook his head.

Morgana staggered. "H-how?"

Merlin looked up at Morgana sadly, and said, "How can this pain be worse than the pain of loosing those you care for? To know that who was once good, and kind, who was driven by compassion and friendship and righteousness, now is fuelled by anger and hatred. How can this pain be worse than knowing that one day, you will lose all those who you ever loved. So, I'm sorry my lady, I will not succumb to your little tricks."

Morgana gave a gasp as he said the words, "lose all those who you ever loved."

§§§§§§§

She had travelled to the lake of Avalon to seek the Lady of the Lake, hoping that she would join Morgana in her fight against Emrys. But the lady had frowned upon her.

"The druids' legends are true. Emrys. A man destined for greatness. A man who will one day unite the powers of the old world and the new, and bring the time that the poets speak of. The time of Albion. He is the most powerful warlock to have ever walked the Earth, yet only a few truly know who he is. And if you ask them, high priestess, they will say that Emrys is good, kind and brave. He will be loyal to King Arthur to the very end, for they are two sides of the same coin. He has lost so much more than you, yet he remains true, though broken. Do you know what 'Emrys' means, Morgana? It means immortal. Can you imagine what it is like, losing all those you have ever loved? That is what fate has in store for Emrys, but still he carries on. He has many allies, but he has lost many more. He has little reason to hope, still, he had more hope than most. Emrys is so much more than you, Morgana Pendragon, will ever be. Did you know that he blames himself for what you've become? You cannot run away from him, because he is your destiny, and he is your doom."

§§§§§§§

"You've been working for Emrys all this time." Morgana concluded with a gasp. "That's how you have foiled my plans so many times. That's how you escaped Morgause's chains unscathed!"

Merlin looked at her with overwhelming sadness. "What happened to you, Morgana. You were so good and kind. We were friends. What happened to the person who would give food to the poor in times of need, before you thought of yourself? What happened to the Morgana who helped me protect an innocent boy?"

Arthur could see the horror at herself in Morgana's face, and as a solitary tear fell down her cheek as she and Merlin stared at each other. Suddenly, she could take it no longer, and whispered a spell to transport her away in a whirlwind.

Merlin shut his eyes tight. Morgana had said "It has power to torture to the limit of human endurance." and that "every mortal will succumb to it sooner or later." Merlin was a human, but he was also Emrys.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it, Merry Christmas!


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